"How could you not have known my feelings for you?" I demanded of him. "I made it so plain, so obvious." Or at least I thought I had. It seemed like I remembered giving him all the clues: the sweet accidental touches, the need to always be near him., and of course the looks I gave him. I know I must've always been staring at his beautiful face, waiting for him to notice me.
A tear began to roll down my cheek, at first burning hot and then so quickly it was cold, as if it were mimicking our love. If only I had actually voiced my true feelings; oh, where we might be now! When I looked up at him I could see in his eyes that he was rolling around the same kind of thoughts deep within his head.
"So many years we have lost then..." A sad smile crossed his lips as his voice began to falter. "I...I've loved you for so long. Dreamt of you; imagined it was you in my arms as I was holding her." Looking at my hands as he took them into his, his face became very somber. He didn’t look up as he spoke the words that would kill me, "But I cannot forsake her, for she has done nothing wrong. She has done nothing but love a man whose heart is, and has always been yours."
At that moment as he looked up into my eyes, my legs began to crumple beneath me. The room was spinning. I sensed myself sinking to the ground in a slow reeling decent. He caught me up in his arms and pushed me against the wall, crushing his lips against mine. His hands left my body burning with desire, desire that I had suppressed for so long. For that one moment I felt as if I were floating. Whether it was from lack of oxygen or something else, I’ll never know. All too quickly he pulled away, leaving me shaky and exhausted. We stood silently staring at each other; our breathing erratic.
I watched as little-by-little a blanket of affliction wound itself tightly around his being. He opened his mouth to speak, apologize perhaps, but I stopped him quickly.
“Please,” I pleaded, “there’s no need. Please. Just go.”
His eyes, once warm and passionate became cold, emotionless... Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a strait line that was his mouth. Clenching his fists to his sides he did an about-face and hurriedly made his way out of my life. I could feel all the hope that I had held on to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but destruction and disorder behind.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Hello, Caitlin Crowder. It just gives you the feeling that every love story gives you. It also sounds like I'm reading an story set in the 60's or 40's. In the middle of the story, I thought they were going to end up together. I thought it was just a cute story until the ending just shifted to something else. The guy the narrator just kissed was just bad. The ending was pretty weird, like it dropped. I didn't feel any emotions when I read the ending of the story. Over all, it's okay. I hope you have a good holiday season!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh well somewhat cliché on the start there, but romantic confessions are one of my weaknesses so you will not find me complaining about anything in the slightest here. I think you've gone and done a pretty solid job as far as getting the emotions right are concerned. The random references to memories being tossed out are also nicely done, just long enough to get the message across without making it seem like a random info dump.
Ahhh well this is what I was hoping would happen here. Once again we are very much dipping our toes into the land of the cliche but I adore this particular one and you're doing a pretty good of capturing the vibe of it so I am loving this so far. I can't wait to see where this takes us from here.
Nuuuu...well that was an emotional rollercoaster. This has somehow transitioned itself into the one cliché I happen to dislike the most there, and we're at a compete 180. This is a decent execution of it though so credit for that although there's not much context for us to really know more than the idea that this dude here is just not very nice. I would suggest perhaps adding more, maybe in that person's POV just so we know a little more here and that ending feels a bit more powerful in terms of the emotions instead of it currently feeling like it just happens for the sake of the drama.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow! I really like this better. I think you should deffintley write more. You have a good start of a book right now! And if you ever do right it more like a book I will deff. love it<3. So i hope you write more!! Your like a really good book writer. I really really hope you write more!!
--Jessie.
This was great.
You did a good job of conveying the emotions of your characters, and in only a paragraph or two you had me hooked on your plot. Which by the way, you should expand upon; I think this would be a great story if you explored it a bit and added some length to it.
Also, the last part was a bit awkward. Maybe that's how you meant it to be, but I thought it could do with some polishing.
"His eyes, once warm and passionate became cold, emotionless... Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a strait line that was his mouth. Clenching his fists to his sides he did an about-face and hurriedly made his way out of my life. I could feel all the hope that I had held on to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but destruction and disorder behind."
Maybe something like this:
"His eyes, so warm and passionate moments before, deadened and turned cold...
Those lips that had just been so tender with my own hardened into a straight line. A look of understanding passed between us; and was gone.
Clenching his fists, he turned and walked out of my life. As he left, I felt all the hope that I had been holding to evacuate my heart, leaving nothing but despair and disorder behind."
I dunno, I probably just butchered it.
And I always hate it when people do that to my stuff!
Mayhaps I helped in some way?
But overall I really liked your story and the characters were very believable.
Keep writing!
This sentence is quite confusing. Maybe try it this way: The need to always be with him; wasn't it evident that I needed him, so?
Never ever start a sentence with the words and or but. Maybe try to fix it like this: Of course the look i gave him should have been the strongest clue. Also the I needs to be captitalized
Mustve should have an apostroph between the t and v.
This seems a bit confusing to me. maybe switch it around like this: A tear began rolling down my cheek. At first burning with frustration, then cold as ice.
You didn't ask a question so there is no need for a question mark. .
Dreamt is spelled without the p.
What an amazing ending great job
Overall: This was very good. Maybe next time you could show his side of this same situation? And all of the above where I switch around sentences are just suggestions you never have to actually do them. it is your work, and it was very good
I hope my review was helpful
Have a great day
tiffany
I really liked it. I think you should write more. But that is always your option.
[quote="Caitlin Crowder"]"How could you not have known my feelings for you?" I demanded of him. "I made it so plain, so obvious." the lower case i needs to be a cap.
"How many years have we lost..." A sad smile crossed his lips as his voice began to crack. "I...Ive loved
Ive needs to have a ' after I.
Other than that there were no mistakes=]..
--Jessie.